Ruminations of a Costcoholic

It’s been some time since I’ve blogged. It’s not for lack of Costco visits I can assure you that. Maybe I didn’t notice anything new or articles about churros seemed redundant. Either way I’m back to talk about hot dogs, more specifically Costco polish sausages.

First things first I’d like to tell you is the proper condiments for a polish dog. Now Costco has onions, relish, ketchup, mustard, and deli mustard and most of these are unnecessary. The perfect dog has one solid line of deli mustard; a solid line of catsup finished with several more droplets of ketchup throughout. Next you must bite off the ends of the dog because a) it’s gross and b) they extend past the bun and all hotdog bites must contain bun, meat product, mustard, and ketchup.

Hotdogs are easily the best deal at the Costco food court. A drink and a meal for $1.50 ($1.63 after tax where I live). They are filling as well but there are two downsides: they can be consumed in under a minute which leaves your jaw wanting more and secondly you can almost guarantee that you’ll get a ketchup/mustard mix in the cracks of your finger and under your fingernails which leaves an odd tasting yellow stain for the rest of the day.

In all though an occasional polish sausage is the perfect compliment to a spring day.

As you probably know by now Costco offers unlimited refills on all their sodas (whether they know it or not). They have a decent variety available but there’s only two that really count: Diet Coke and Coca-Cola.
Both drinks have their pros and cons. Coke tastes better, offers that ahhh burn in your throat but it has a buttload of sugar and calories. Diet Coke on the other hand has a bitter soda water taste that I love, no calories or sugar but guarantees cancer after ten years (unsubstantiated claim).
Now a moderated or healthier consumer of soda might mix it up on a Costco visit.  First they have a cup of Coca-Cola then after some Diet. Or if you’re more the genius type you stick with just the Diet because Costco’s Coca-Cola for some unknown reason is flawed. It just doesn’t taste right and it never has. It’s maybe to soda waterish or maybe too syrupy. It’s not very good. So be wise this holiday season and just stick to gallons of Diet Coke.

editors note: Now you the brilliant reader of this blog are wondering what the hell is he talking about I thought he said Costco is perfect. Well as a good friend has told me about their christian god that if Costco does something then it is perfect it’s our idea that’s askew.

I’m not sure if it’s collected pocket lint interfering with the lens or just a shitty iPhone camera but the picture above doesn’t do this perfect pepperoni any justice.

The perfect pepperoni can’t be too soft and undercooked nor can it be a dried out slice of meat. It needs to be crisp around the edges and a little turned up almost like a saucer for grease. The middle needs to be fully cooked and a nice deep red.

Today the ever great and ever giving Costco gave me such a treat. Zeus Bless you Costco.

When you get to the front of a line is it so hard to have your money ready? You know that what you’ve been in line for requires some sort of payment right? You more than anyone understand that your purse is a mess and that finding anything in it takes time.
A quick common sense tip from the king of Costco: have your fucking cash in hand before you order food! Before your food is handed to you! How about before you even reach the halfway point in line you stupid whores!

Have a good holiday season.

What appears before mine eyes? Is it a devil’s illusion? No, a solid sweet bite confirms it is real. It is the God Churro.
A mutation to say the least. I can barely see the fried dough underneath a layer of cinnamon and sugar as thick as the sloppiest of oil paintings.
I nearly cry as I take bites and await a lightning bolt for my hubris. I am deserved enough for such a treat? Today it seems so.
Sadly, I have to share it with the wife.

not quite

As I sit  at an atypical eating hour under cooling fall skies I’m inclined to reminisce (maybe this is why I hate the fall/winter season). The memory that comes to mind is very fond though. It’s first time I ate at a Costco food court. It was Sunday in the latter part of my Senior year in high school when life was beginning to turn around. My three buddies and I had taken off for Guitar Center (a good forty or so minutes up the road (a lengthy journey for that era of my life)). We milled around there for a few hours and developed our appetities. Our driver then drove us a little up the road to Costco and so my life of a Costcoholic began.

Of course, Costco existed to me as father shopped there  and sometimes he brought home pizza but it was usually congealed and only warm by the time it hit my plate.

My buddies and I ordered the very affordable hot dog and soda combo (even then I drank diet Coke even because I overheard a kid at school say sugar caused acne and I worried ’bout those types of things then).

We talked. We laughed. There wasn’t that typical air of bad feelings either. I even remember the sun being very warming but not hot cause of that wonderful Pacific breeze that creeps into the inland areas every now and again. One friend even told me that some girl at school had a crush on me (a rarity for sure). It was a splendid time and one our last as a group. We moved on to different things and it’s never quite the same as it was that day but I’ll always have the memory of that first hot dog and old friends.

I rarely order ice cream from Costco or as they call it frozen yogurt (can anyone explain the difference between sugar and dairy frozen and sugar and dairy frozen?) but it being a perfectly splendid day with warm weather I decided to go with this summer classic for lunch.
Now I ordered a swirl so I could have the best of both worlds and frankly one flavor entirely is just sickening ten spoonfuls in. I also ordered a diet Coke and I have to admit it’s a horrible combination.

The real point of my writing though is to complain about the idiots in line who didn’t get an item and ask the clerk or their own near-retarded child to walk (emphasis on walk) back to get it. The whole line stops. The momentum of life crawls and all the world’s attention shifts angrily towards that stupid asshole. Guess what you forgot the item so get the fuck out of line! Your mistake shouldn’t be ours to suffer through jerkoff. And once the gopher comes back you’d best be ready to pay with some kind of plastic! No change diving or check writing!
Why are checks even accepted anymore? They take too much time to deal with and are a sign of archaic and fearful thinking. Plastic is space age technology and the space age was fucking 50 years ago. Adapt!

PS thought 11 soon to come.

The ever great Costco offers three varities of pizza in their food court:

Cheese: there’s too much fucking cheese on this thing. If it had half the cheese it’d be damn near perfect. I can only imagine the calories per slice of this beast. I’m positive that in true Costo fashion an entire bulk block of synthetic mozarella is used. Poor African children aren’t getting their proper cheese diet thanks to this pizza. Sad. Really sad.

Pepperoni: this is not in fact a pizza. According to the FDA it qualifies as grease with toppings. They must have a spray bottle of liquid lard they add to the top of this before serving. The pepperoni’s are rarely crispy which is what pepperoni should be on a pizza. This is a bit more filling than cheese though and with a couple of napkin soak ups you can save a few years of your life.

Combo: probably the pizza with the most potential in the food court. Everytime you order it it’s a gamble though. Will it be covered in dried out susauge with a dabbling of other toppings or will it be that perfect blend? I tend to remove the sausage and onions anyways. That leaves the best costco mix of cheese, sauce, crust, and (healthy?) toppings. It takes a little work and if Costco employees who are paid well could always take their time when preparing you’d have a clear cut winner in the Costco Pizza Game.

Is it some kind of Karmic punishment that lines grow larger the closer I approach? This phenomena alone makes me believe the universe only exists in my head and therefore it is not until I am aware (or there) that the machinations of other life really begins. I think that people wait dormant in the shadows only to be brought to life once I start from the backend of the Costco parking lot. Every step I make forward draws another being to wake. Once awake they make their way strategically into line.

It reminds me in an odd way of Tolkien’s Silmarillion and the story of the dwarves who are made by an impatient son of Ilúvatar and  forced into hibernation underground once Ilúvatar discovers them. He only awakens them later when enough time has passed. Strangely enough these folk who fill my food court line also tend to be slow, fat, and short like the dwarves of middle-earth. So, is it merely a coincidence? I’m thinking not.

Hi-Ho Off to Costco We Go!

God has only created three things in life that are truly rewarding, women, booze, and churros. And thanks to Costco one of those is finally affordable.

1$ buys your mind happiness, your teeth decay, and your stomach satisfaction. 1$ purchases you the childhood snack of fairs and ballgames. 1$ provides proof of independence (my parents always said no).

No longer are we at the whim of price gouging carnies or profit obsessed sports franchises. We, the obedient folk of the world, demanded this treat from the Gods and Costco, our Moses, has returned from the ramshackly wasteland of American snack food with the greatest of offerings.

It’s just fried dough, sugar, and cinnamon yet these three ingredients combined create a force twice as powerful as Captain Planet.

The only downside to a churro is sharing it with your wife.

-Rubles